a feeling-based entry

I am a firm believer that when someone you love starts to grow distant is when you must reach out to them even more. I’d rather go out of my way being wrong that someone doesn’t need me or want me anymore in their lives than to be right that they did need me and I wasn’t there. Sometimes a cry for help is one of silence. Sometimes the quietest cry is the one that is the most desperate. It’s that inner feeling that even if you were to cry, not even that would ease the hardship in your heart. The feeling that you can’t even waste a cry on yourself anymore because you have given up. Giving up is the easy way, especially giving up on someone else when they give you ever reason to leave them alone. Giving up on yourself is the greatest failure of mankind.

2009: A year for change

A new year can be a time for new beginnings, new resolutions, a new president, a new hair-do, a new you. A new year is a reason to change, and make this one better than the last. But how do you move on when you're grappling with the past, and struggling as to who and where you want to be in the future. The only way I stay in the present is due to the magnetic opposing forces of my past and future. I feel like I'm at a stand still frozen in my time with life and death happening all around me. I'm hopeful, and fearful, guarded but a go-getter, confused and yet certain. It's not hard to be two opposing views. You can call it moderate, indecisive, or on the fence if you like. I know in many areas of my life I'm about to plunge into new waters so right now I'm weighing all of my options...my balance is equaled until I know where my chips should go.

I've felt more strangely awkward in the past few weeks than I have in a while. I can't find the right words to say, the right emotions to bare, the right sense of self. I wish I could look me up in the dictionary, but I know it's impossible to define a person as none of us are finite...we are infinite beings whether we realize it or not. Some of us struggle with resumes and profiles, even a handshake. Others give off an aura, are open and easily liked, while others may be harder to read. How do you best show you?

My wish for the new year is to embrace myself and my life wherever it takes me. To be kinder and more loving, understanding, and understood. "my roots are planted in the past, though my life is changing fast...who I am is who I want to be..."